Question: Dear brother or sister, I am stuck in a dilemma and I am hoping you can help me. I have been married for three years. I have a one year old son and another baby on the way.
Currently I wear a headscarf and abaya every time I am in public, be it work or family event. He has never objected to it before but for about a year and a half now it is all he objects to. He would like me to dress in traditional Pakistani clothes when I am in public with a headscarf. He does not wish for me to wear the abaya anymore.
My parents-in-law also do not want me to wear the abaya as they feel it is not appropriate nor necessary. I have grown up with the belief that the abaya and headscarf was the best method of hijab. Do traditional Pakistani clothes worn in an appropriate manner meet the requirements of hijab? My husband says I must do as he says as he is not happy with the way I dress and that I should dress to please him, even in public, the way he would want me to, is he right to ask this of me and by refusing him am I wrong? Will I still meet hijab requirements in Pakistani clothing? please help.
Answer:
Salam, sister Saima.
Thank you for writing to us. Your main question illustrates your dilemma between wanting to dress according to Islamic rules, while at the same time trying to please a husband who asks you to wear traditional Pakistani clothes.
It seems you think the clothes he asks you to wear are “less Islamic” than the ones you prefer wearing.
Obeying God or Pleasing Spouses?
The general Islamic rule is that there is no obedience to a human — no matter whom, even parents or spouses — if they use their authority to make us disobey God. However, before applying this rule, we need to make sure first that what’s being requested is indeed a disobedience to God.
There are many side points in your question that I believe are equally important for you to establish peace in your life by the grace of Allah. Let me tackle them one by one:
1. There is a growing rift between you and your husband. This is a symptom most couples experience after a few years of marriage, especially if children are born with a short time in between, straining the personal relationship and putting additional pressure on the woman as a mother, which drastically affects her role as a loving wife.
As a Muslim woman, you have an obligation to balance the two roles of wife and mother, while your husband has an obligation to help you regain your balance by offering you additional understanding, consideration and tenderness, as well as by physically helping with your chores if possible.
You have to realize that within the short span of 3 years, your marriage has been arranged, you had to move from the UK to Pakistan, Allah has blessed you with two children, while you keep a job as well. Your parents-in-law seem to have a say in your personal life as well due to culture.
These are a lot of responsibilities for you to deal with in such a short time. Both of you as a Muslim couple need to put in conscious effort to strengthen your bond and to get through these continuous tests of adapting and adjusting to each other and to new elements in your life.
This can only be done by getting closer and more understanding to each other, and to Allah, asking Him for support and guidance, and to plant love and compassion in your hearts and your home to please Him as best you could together as a couple.
I believe if this point is addressed seriously a lot of problems will disappear, including the one about your clothing, because it seems to me that what your husband is seeking is to re-assert his authority as a husband in your busy life.
2. You are a Pakistani Muslim brought up in the UK. This means you needed to juggle two cultures to live happily in the UK, while retaining your identity and your religion. Now you had to go back to Pakistan, so you are in a reverse culture shock where people experience extreme stress trying to re-adapt to the mother culture after already having adjusted to another one for so many years.
There is always a dilemma between two traditions and cultures, and also balancing those with religion, and in your case, married life and children. A person moving to a new environment is already under a lot of pressure trying to conform to the local traditions in dress and behavior.
Unfortunately, sometimes this is done at the expense of true religious rules, which are nearly lost in the process of trying to keep social appearances.
Dress colors and style are a tradition, while clothing specifications are part of our religion which is applicable anywhere anytime and to all kinds of people from all kinds of cultures. Consequently, it’s unfair to label only one style of clothing as appropriate and over-rule anything else.
There seems to be a general misconception among Muslims today that the jilbab or abaya are the only permitted Islamic type of dress, when actually, any kind of clothing that meets the Islamic criteria is considered a lawful Islamic dress.
Moreover, the focus is only on women’s clothing, while the criteria for Islamic dress code and accompanying conduct extend to both men and women. According to the Quran and Sunnah, there are basically six criteria for Islamic clothing:
1. Obligatory cover: males should cover at least from the navel to the knees, and women should cover the complete body except the face and the hands. Some scholars see that the face and the hands should also be covered, especially if temptation (fitnah) is feared or if security is scarce.
The remaining criteria are the same for men and women. Islamic clothes for both sexes should NOT be:
2. So tight to the extent of detailing the figure.
3. Transparent or see-through.
4. So glamorous meant only to attract attention.
5. Particular of the opposite sex.
6. Resembling styles that identify — or are symbols of — the unbelievers’ religions.
So, now you can see that there is a multitude of dressing styles that meet these criteria, and consequently can be worn by practicing Muslims. There is no reason for undue restriction. At the same time, personal behavior is also an issue.
Hijab & Conduct
A person who is only fulfilling the criteria of Islamic clothes is observing hijab in a limited sense. Hijab of the clothes should be accompanied by controlling one’s actions, eyes, heart, thoughts, and intentions. Therefore, the hypocritical use of hijab is not a good example of Muslim conduct.
In light of the above, you can easily please your husband, his family and your society by adapting your Pakistani clothes to meet the Islamic specifications: ensure that they are made of a non-transparent material, make the top garment and its sleeves long, the pant legs wide, and tie your headscarf securely so it covers your hair, and does not just sit loosely on your head.
That said; please also make sure you dress elegantly and happily for your husband at home. It is his right to find a wife who pleases him when he looks at her according to the advice of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).
Do not allow the stress of your multiple responsibilities to distract you from being a loving, tender, feminine wife who is the safe harbor for her caring husband at the end of the day.
May Allah always bless your home and give you a happy life. Please stay in touch.
Comments