As I stepped into the sphere of the Masjid-Al-Haram under a desert night sky in the city of Makkah; I hurried closer and closer…
Closer towards the magnetic pulse of the house of the one true God on earth…
And finally as my eyes set upon the Ka’bah (House of God) built by Abraham and Ismail some 3,000 years ago, a planet of peace fell upon my heart and all the desires of my heart came temporarily crashing down; worry and anxiety, silver and gold no more weighed heavy upon my heart.
And then I had an arcane vision of meeting God; that I felt so close to my Lord and as I looked up I could not take my eyes off the Ka’bah. A heat wave of love and awe and the thought of Allah’s throne up above me and who knows how many light years up into the abyss of the sky belay the throne of my Creator.
Fear & Hope
I began to remember that I was there to beseech Him and make amends for the sins; the horrible sins that I committed, weighing heavy on my heart. What do I say? What should I say? I could not remember a thing as my senses were in tuned with the peace and serenity of the black shrouded house as if I were walking through a golden field where upon the sky breathed red, purple and yellow tints billowing out of an October sky.
I did not shed any tears and I don’t know why, perhaps the result of many years of a hardened heart but I felt that I had a chance now and then I began to recite the Talbiyah (a specific recitation said during hajj),
“Labbaika Allahumma Labbaik“ (here am I am My lord, here I am to worship You)!
“Please put a great distance between me and the sins I committed!’
O Allah! Please forgive me for all that I did against You and myself!
O Allah, please forgive me, I seek refuge in You from the sickness in my heart.”
God says: “Remember when We made the House (Ka’bah) a center and sanctuary for mankind saying, “Take the station of Ibrahim (Abraham) as a place of prayer; We entrusted Ibrahim and Ismail to cleanse Our House for those who walk around it, who meditate in it, and who kneel and prostrate in prayers.” (Al-Baqarah 2; 125)
And as I circled around the Ka’bah as instructed by our Lord as an action of devotion and worship (Ibadah), I wondered why I had placed so many barriers between my Creator and myself.
How long had I been sleeping?
How long had I been drifting on through the night with one day blurring into the next and not remembering the honor of being chosen by Allah to be a Muslim (believer)?
He loved me so much even when I gave my heart to something else. He guided me here and it was in this place where I found myself prostrating and meditating as the belief in my heart reached its apex.
I could not take my eyes off this life force called the Ka’bah as much as I tried. And as the birds circled up above the House of God in sync with us, I realized that I was in a place where all existence seemed to merge into one idea and one end and one white shroud. I hope that I was forgiven, I don’t know if I was, but perhaps I can take comfort in the wing of hope and the wing of fear as described by Ibn Al Qayyim who said that “The heart is like a bird, love for Allah is its head, and its two wings are hope and fear.”
The House of God made me feel at home, like I returned to my home in a world untouched and sanctified like fresh rain-drops upon the earth.
Walking in the Footsteps of the Prophet
This spiritual journey allowed me to experience the roots of the Abrahamic faith and the birth place of the beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him. I personally gained a realistic vision of what Islam really was and is through being in such a magnificent place and taking it in.
Before the trip, I began reflecting upon my past life and how I had lived it. I asked myself what I had done to change myself and come closer to Allah. I began to fear change, and the inevitable change that I was certain would come after visiting the House of Allah and the Prophet, peace be upon him.
I knew that it was time; time to come back to the Fitrah, which is the original state that God had created us upon. It was time to renew my faith and exit out of an empty idea of life, an idea that we learn by what surrounds us in this civilization.
A friend once related a story to me about a man who was sitting in a cell, yet the cell door was open. He sat there looking out at the freedom that lay before him, but it was his heart that imprisoned him to his cell, it was his sins that bind him to his fear of change and hope.
I remember this young American Muslim teen walking the streets of downtown Los Angeles at six o’clock in the morning; a scared kid with no sense of direction and so far away from the shade of Islam and the sweetness of brotherhood and Iman (faith), and all the while, “he was trying to throw his arms around this life.”
And as we surround ourselves with hatred and love of something other than that what was intended for us, our heart is covered with calluses like when the feet gain calluses from walking too much.
This trip for me was a pursuit for the heart and soul described in the Quran as the tranquil heart and soul and the nafs-ul mutmainah (the soul at soul). Makkah was truly a city of mercy and I felt closer to my Lord.
Madinah
As I entered Madinah, the city of Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, I felt the Prophet’s presence in it. I felt his healing touch in the depths of my heart. The Prophet, my Prophet and my healer and teacher whose message gleamed brighter than Hailey’s Comet and soared 1500 years touching the life of a human being living thousands of miles away in America. Who would have ever thought that I would be following in his footsteps? Alhamdulillah that I was chosen to be from the family of the noble one, Al-Mustafa, peace be upon him. I love him and I felt it there in his city.
As I walked between the endless tall columns within the mosque of the Prophet, I felt the healing hands of love and my heart began to speed like a runaway train. After my two-rak’ah prayer I began to make my way to the Prophet’s grave and the grave of his eternal companions in this life and in the next, Umar ibn Al-Khattab and Abu Bakr, may God have mercy on them, who lay beside their leader and Prophet.
Sweetness fell upon my heart as I walked through the area between what used to be the podium (minbar) and the house of the Prophet. I felt his presence and my eyes grew soft and my heart melted and was in need of feeling closeness to him, like when a desert is in need of rain I needed the Prophet and as I passed by his resting place, I said Assalamo Alaikom Prophet of Allah, “please count me as your brother on the day of judgment and please don’t turn away from me”; It is reported by Muslim that the Prophet said: “I wish I could see my brothers,” and when asked what he meant, he said he was referring to his brothers that came after him. It is for this reason that I asked my Prophet to please recognize me on the Day of Judgment as his brother.
I never prayed more a peaceful prayer in my life than I did while praying near the Prophet. I never felt such peace except for once before while sitting on the footsteps of the mosque at night, alone, scared and the tests of Allah hitting me like the “Guns of Navarone” pounding me and knocking me till I hit rock bottom, and then came along a young Muslim brother taking me by the hand and led me to a basketball game where there were more practicing Muslims (believers) and I swear by Allah that it was one of the first times that I felt such peace up until that point.
So here I was where I was destined to be near my leader and beloved Prophet. I will miss him and now that I look back, I miss him. So what will I do for him? Will I let him down and forget the allegiance I made to him?
As we continued in the footsteps of Muhammad, peace be upon him, standing upon the Mountain of Uhud where the archers disobeyed the Prophet while fighting in the way of Allah.
We were reminded by a brother who said that the Prophet did not become angry with the archers and that Allah forgave them. Then the idea of Allah’s mercy hit my heart like a needle piercing into it and I realized that Allah could forgive me as well, so I laid my sins upon the Mountain of Uhud because the Mountain was strong enough to bear them and I wasn’t.
The Road Back to Change
Eleven days had passed and we made our way back for a final two days in Makkah. On the bus ride back I began to reflect on the days that had passed while viewing the rough terrain that the Prophet Muhammad and his companions had to endure. It reminded me of the times when I thought that I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, but now I realized that life would be easier after having gained a sense of closeness to God and the final Prophet.
I thought that consistency and balance in my life would help me to become a better person and that I needed to start relying on God completely. Besides, I had gained such a strong sense of brotherhood with the brothers that were on the trip with me and this was the icing on the cake. I miss them so much and I love them and they love me back for the sake of God. “Once I was afraid of love but when it’s your brother those things change.”
So as the bus ride blurred into a plane ride back home and I stepped out into the world again, leaving Makkah and my brothers for the last time and a few steps later I felt the test of the world hit me. This time it was deep and it ran through my veins because I knew that I would be tested by Allah to implement the honor and strength of faith I had gained in Makkah. It felt good to be back in the States yet the thirst for knowledge and closeness to God, His Prophet and the brothers made me feel sad. But I know that the only way to quench this thirst and remain within the shade of Islam, Quran and God is to seek the company of good people, work for God and the Ummah on a daily basis and read the Seerah (biography of our Prophet Muhammad).
And we were reminded of change by our leader Ustaz Suhaib Webb and Sheikh Saddullah Khan that God mentions in his book that “Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what it within them” (Ar-Ra’d 13;11)
Ustaz Suhaib William Webb provided us with some useful tips on change that the reader can also benefit from:
1- Don’t look for one moment of change” because change is a holistic process and includes a multiplicity of events throughout one’s life.
2- Time, effort and planning are required for change.
3- The law of nature is such that when planted and nurtured the small stem becomes strong overtime. The Prophet himself, peace be upon him, received and learned the Quran over a period of 23 years.
4- Study the environment around you and know it.
5- Then study the internal environment in yourself.
Lastly, we should make goals for ourselves that are realistic and measurable. Prophet Muhammad was quoted by his wife Aisha as saying: “Only do things that you are capable of.”
I hope we all make it back to Jannah, Ameen.
Source: Suhaib Webb & OnIslam
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