What does it take to stay Muslim, married and extremely happy today? As oxymoronic as that just sounded, believe it or not, it\u2019s absolutely possible!
\nMarriage, especially for Muslims, is a lot more than having someone to call a husband or wife. The marital relationship is an incredible blessing and divine sign, as Allah says in the Qur\u2019an:<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.\u201d [Qur\u2019an: Chapter 30, Verse 21]3
\nThe whole purpose of having a spouse is to find tranquility in and with them; and our relationships with our spouses have signs that Allah is asking us to give thought to.
\nHow are some Muslim couples finding this tranquility in their marriage while many others seem to be having a miserable time? What are those couples whose eyes exude deep love and contentment doing right in their relationships?
\nHere are the top 10 habits of Muslim couples who\u2019ve found tranquility and happiness in their marriage:<\/p>\n
1. They love each other for Allah\u2019s sake<\/strong> 2. They are grateful for each other<\/strong> 3. They communicate like best friends2<\/strong> 4. They never lose focus of each other\u2019s primary needs<\/strong> 5. They are the comfort of each other\u2019s eyes<\/strong> Smile at your spouse<\/strong> Look good for your spouse<\/strong> Be their source of comfort and support<\/strong> 6. They make each other bloom<\/strong> 7. They make time for each other \u2013 no matter what!<\/strong> 8. They fight the real enemies: ego, evil eye and shaytan<\/strong> Evil Eye<\/strong> Shaytan<\/strong> 9. They sense each other\u2019s stress<\/strong> 10. They are conscious of Allah in conflict<\/strong> Marriage in a nutshell<\/strong> What does it take to stay Muslim, married and extremely happy today? As oxymoronic as that just sounded, believe it or not, it\u2019s absolutely possible!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":8922,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[24],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8921","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-c42-articles"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
\nWhat does it mean to love each other for Allah\u2019s sake? It means you make the love and obedience of Allah the basis and focus of your relationship with someone else. It means you love someone so much that you want your love for them to last beyond this lifetime and into the Hereafter, where you can live in eternal happiness with them having earned Allah\u2019s pleasure together. It means you love someone purely because of how much they remind you of Allah and help you get closer to Him.
\nHold it right there. I know what you just thought: \u201cbut my wife\/husband doesn\u2019t remind me of Allah at all.\u201d
\nA lot of people who marry each other even for primarily religious reasons end up disappointed after marriage when they suddenly find their spouse not praying all the sunnah prayers (like they thought they would) or reading the Qur\u2019an everyday or the morning and evening adhkar or fasting Mondays and Thursdays or being excited about attending halaqahs or praying tahajjud or doing something for the Ummah \u2013 like they thought they would. Our own restrictions of spirituality to acts of physical or outward worship blind us from seeing how much our spouses contribute to improving our character, which is an unsurpassed form of spiritual growth, because the Prophet says:
\n\u201cNothing is placed on the Scale that is heavier than good character. Indeed the person with good character will have attained the rank of the person of fasting and prayer.\u201d [Tirmidhi]7
\nYour spouse has loved you for Allah\u2019s sake every time they have:
\n\u2022 stopped you from harboring suspicions or ill-will (about your boss or competitor or any other annoying person in your life)
\n\u2022 stopped you from backbiting (about your friends, colleagues, in-laws (ahem))
\n\u2022 helped you be more kind and gentle in your speech and manners (to helpers, waiters, laborers, siblings, elders and children)
\n\u2022 helped you fulfill people\u2019s trusts (by encouraging you to get to work on time and do the best at your job, to pay off your debts, to keep people\u2019s secrets)
\n\u2022 helped you be more honest with yourself or to others
\n\u2022 helped you forgive someone and overlook their faults
\n\u2022 helped you become more generous or less extravagant
\n\u2022 helped you recognize and overcome the weaknesses of your inner self
\nIn all of the above and so many other times that go unnoticed, committed Muslim spouses consistently help each other get closer to Allah . They stop each other from anything that may lower them in the sight of Allah and constantly help each other win Allah\u2019s love.
\nTruly happy Muslim couples engage in winning Allah\u2019s pleasure together whenever and in any way they can: they glorify Allah together in the quiet hours of Fajr, they thank Allah in tahajjud together, they make it a point to read a minimum amount of Qur\u2019an everyday, they do regular or even random acts of kindness and charity and they maintain loving and happy ties with each other\u2019s families.<\/p>\n
\nIf there is one fundamental need that exists in every single human relationship, it is the need to feel relevant and appreciated. And there is no other relationship where this need is as grossly overlooked and abused, as in marriage. Why does this happen? Is it because humans tend to take things for granted, especially when they\u2019re done by those closest to them?
\nWhen you\u2019re newly married, every single thing your spouse does for you feels so special. As time goes by, your husband going out to work hard and earn for the family becomes normal; and a few years later it becomes \u201chis duty anyway\u201d. Similarly, every meal your new bride cooks is delightful, then somehow the salt always seems to keep getting lesser, till eventually she\u2019s \u201cnot doing anyone a favor by just doing her job\u201d.
\nSounds familiar? Oh yes, ungrateful Muslim spouse speaking right there!
\nHappy Muslim couples live and breathe this hadith in their marriage:
\n\u201cHe who does not thank the people is not thankful to Allah.\u201d [Abu Dawud]
\nWhat is not there to thank your spouse for? Here are 5 reasons to thank your spouse right now:
\n1. For providing you a roof to live under\/for making a home out of your house
\n2. For buying you clothes to wear\/for making sure you have clean clothes to wear everyday
\n3. For buying you the food you eat everyday\/for making delicious meals for you everyday
\n4. For being there to take you where you need to go\/for being there to take care of the house when you\u2019re away
\n5. For coming back home to you every evening\/for being the person you can come home to everyday
\nAllah says in the Qur\u2019an:
\n\u201c\u2026 If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.\u201d [Qur\u2019an: Chapter 14, Verse 7]
\nOur spouses are an immense favor and blessing of Allah upon us: they are an irreplaceable source of spiritual, emotional, mental and physical comfort. Happy Muslim couples keep getting happier because they simply implement the command of Allah in the above verse: They are grateful everyday for each other, so Allah increases the happiness they find in each other, just like He promised.
\nThe verse doesn\u2019t end there though. The last half of the verse should send a chill down every married person\u2019s spine: \u201c\u2026if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.\u201d
\nHow many times have our egos stopped us from acknowledging and appreciating our spouses? How many times have we denied all the good they\u2019ve done for us through a single word or sentence in the middle of a senseless argument? Every conflict left unresolved, every hurtful word exchanged and every baseless complaint is a refusal to value one of Allah\u2019s best gifts to us: a spouse. It is a denial of a favor Allah has blessed us with that many are longing for. And you don\u2019t have to wait for the Hereafter to bear the consequences of such denial. Days of depression, frustration, anger, spite, lack of barakah (blessing), and even illness and hardships make life living hell for those who refuse to be grateful in their marriages.
\nAllah also says in the Qur\u2019an:
\n\u201cAnd as for your Lord\u2019s favor, then discourse about it! (i.e., proclaim it).\u201d [Qur\u2019an: Chapter 93, Verse 11]
\nSo if you aren\u2019t doing so already, stop holding back and proclaim to your spouse how grateful you are for them!
\nYou and your spouse can start becoming grateful for each other right now by:
\n\u2022 thanking each other for at least one thing everyday: you could do this through a text message, a note in a lunchbox or on the fridge, or just before you go to sleep at night (brothers, I promise you will not decrease in height if you do this)
\n\u2022 exchanging a smile that says \u201cthank you, you mean the world to me\u201d
\n\u2022 saying \u201cthank you\/jazak Allah khayr\u201d every time your spouse does something for you
\n\u2022 getting\/doing small things for your spouse that you know they will absolutely love
\n\u2022 writing down things about each other you\u2019re grateful for in a journal and exchanging your journals regularly: journaling makes you reflect, realize and truly internalize what you\u2019re thinking about. There\u2019s nothing better than internalizing the gratitude you feel towards your spouse; and there\u2019s nothing more heart-warming for them to read than what you\u2019ve written from the depths of your heart!<\/p>\n
\nWhat a Whatsapp conversation looks like a few years into a typical marriage:
\n\u201cNeed bread.\u201d
\n\u201cK.\u201d
\nI mean, c\u2019mon: \u201cK\u201d?? Not even an \u201co\u201d to make that miserable \u201ck\u201d look a little less miserable?!
\nWhat happens to married people\u2019s manners, interest, enthusiasm and most importantly good assumptions when talking to their spouses? Is it okay to talk this way because you\u2019re just so used to someone? Why do we not talk this way to people we\u2019ve been friends with for years? What makes a spouse less-deserving of respect, enthusiasm and affection when no one deserves it more than them (except our parents) for choosing to live every single day with us? Why do we not talk to our spouses like we talk to our best friends, even though they are much closer to us than anyone will ever be?
\nHappy Muslim couples talk like best friends, in good times and in conflict. In good times, they wait to tell each other about their day, they joke, laugh, share ideas, flirt, compliment each other, respect their spouse\u2019s right to hold different opinions and learn from each other\u2019s opposing points of view. In fact, happy Muslim couples communicate just like the Prophet and his wives did.
\nAisha narrated that:
\nAllah\u2019s Messenger said to her: \u201cI know when you are pleased with me or angry with me.\u201d I said, \u201cWhence do you know that?\u201d He said, \u201cWhen you are pleased with me, you say, \u2018No, by the Lord of Muhammad,\u2019 but when you are angry with me, then you say, \u2018No, by the Lord of Abraham.\u2019 \u201d Thereupon I said, \u201cYes (you are right), but by Allah, O Allah\u2019s Messenger, I leave nothing but your name.\u201d [Bukhari]
\nCouples that have learnt to communicate effectively do away with the majority of marital stress because they become so attuned to each other\u2019s feelings that they can immediately sense the emotional state of their spouse through the slightest change in words or tone. And as our beloved Aisha put it so beautifully \u2013 even in anger; happy, loving Muslim spouses never desert anything more than each other\u2019s name when they try to communicate that they feel wronged or hurt. They never desert love and respect for each other in conflict: this, is the key to staying happy in your marriage.<\/p>\n
\nWhat I\u2019ve personally discovered through my own marriage and from those of all the people who\u2019ve discussed marital issues with me, is that the primary reason for continuous marital stress and discord is almost always due to the neglect of a spouse\u2019s primary needs.
\nA lot of books (by Muslim and non-Muslim authors alike) tend to classify primary marital needs based on gender or a spouse\u2019s role in the marriage. You must\u2019ve definitely read about men\u2019s primary needs being respect and physical satisfaction, and that women prioritize the need for love, verbal expression and emotional satisfaction. However true these classifications may seem in theory, they\u2019re far from practical reality, because the truth is: both men and women need love, respect, physical and emotional satisfaction, just in different degrees and ways of expression.
\nMen and women are equally human: Allah has created both genders with a sense of human dignity, with physical desires and with hearts that have feelings. When wives get snappy and say mean things to their spouses, husbands do feel hurt and unloved; and when husbands are rude and hurl insults at their spouses, wives do feel humiliated and disrespected. When a woman\u2019s physical desires are consistently dismissed or left half-fulfilled, she feels as frustrated as a man in such situations does; and when a man never hears any words of appreciation or admiration, he feels as underappreciated and unvalued as a woman in these situations does.
\nEvery marriage is made up of two unique people of opposite genders. That\u2019s why, what works for one couple may not necessarily work in your marriage, because you and your spouse are different people altogether with different preferences, priorities and circumstances. For this reason, generally accepted theories that may apply to many marriages may not apply to many others because different people are different. And happy Muslim couples have this figured out. It is extremely crucial for the health of your marriage that you sit down with your spouse and figure out what is important to them, and howthey\u2019ve always expected you to fulfill those needs for them.
\nHere\u2019s how to figure out and focus on fulfilling your spouse\u2019s primary needs:
\n1. Ask your spouse: \u201cWhat is the one thing you cannot do without in this marriage?\u201d Give them options to think about like love, respect, emotional or physical satisfaction, financial security, a peaceful or Islamic environment at home, etc.
\n2. Ask them for examples of how they want these needs fulfilled: \u201cHow have you always expected me to do this for you?\u201d Give them examples to help them figure out their preferences: ask them if they expect you to get small surprise gifts regularly, verbally compliment them more, take the initiative to pray or read and reflect on the Qur\u2019an together, plan date nights, consult them before making a significant decision, talk to them in a certain way, dress up and prepare special surprise meals at home with the kids asleep, not say certain things in arguments, etc.
\n3. Write down their needs and preferences.
\n4. Make dua and sincere effort to fulfill your spouse\u2019s primary needs: ask Allah to help you make your spouse happy, and then actively think of and create easy ways to do what is important to your spouse.<\/p>\n
\nHappy Muslim couples strive to be the comfort of each other\u2019s eyes. They seek to be the answer to the dua that Allah has taught us to make:
\n\u201cAnd those who say, \u201cOur Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.\u201d\u201d [Qur\u2019an: Chapter 25, Verse 74]
\nWhat does it take to become a beautiful sight to look at?<\/p>\n
\nWhen was the last time you beamed at your spouse or saw your spouse smiling lovingly at you? Okay, I shouldn\u2019t have asked that question because you\u2019d probably need to time travel back into the ancient past. Smile when you open the door to your tired husband, smile when you get to see your wife after a long day at work, smile at the mother\/father of your child for giving you such a beautiful gift; let your smile be the last thing your spouse sees before they close their eyes to sleep. Smile because there\u2019s no reason not to.<\/p>\n
\nThe noble companion Ibn Abbas is reported to have said:
\n\u201cI like to take care of my appearance for my wife just as I like for her to take care of her appearance for me. This is because Allah says: \u201cAnd they (women) have rights similar (to those of their husbands) over them to what is reasonable.\u201d \u201d [Tafsir Ibn Kathir]
\nYou are the only man\/woman your spouse is allowed to look at from head to toe, so please don\u2019t be an eye sore! Yes, make this your mantra. Tell yourself this every time you look in the mirror at your unkempt hair, permanent pyjamas or neglected body. Looking good for your spouse is as important (and as easy) as everything else you do everyday like eating or sleeping.
\nIt takes a maximum of 20 minutes to: shower, put on some attractive clothes and perfume, comb your hair and apply a dash of make-up (men: you don\u2019t have to do the last bit so you have even less of an excuse!). Make these 20 minutes a fixed part of your routine, ideally just before your spouse gets home or before you sit down to relax at home after work.
\nLooking good for each other has even more to do with maintaining your health and fitness. You need to do this for your own self before anyone else. Slot in an hour at least everyday to work on your physical and mental fitness: work out wherever and whenever it is convenient for you, but make sure you do and your spouse makes time for their fitness too. There\u2019s nothing more attractive to a spouse than having that healthy glow and fit physique!<\/p>\n
\nWho do you think of turning to when you\u2019re depressed, afraid or going through a tough time? If your spouse was the first person that came to your mind, you have a wonderful marriage Alhamdulillah. Because that\u2019s what Muslim spouses do: they are each other\u2019s refuge, just like the Prophet and his wives were to each other.
\nWhen the Prophet received the revelation for the first time, he began trembling with fear and ran to his wife Khadijahseeking comfort and reassurance saying:
\n\u201cO Khadijah! What is wrong with me? I was afraid that something bad might happen to me.\u201d Then he told her the story. Khadijah said, \u201cNay! But receive the good tidings! By Allah, Allah will never disgrace you, for by Allah, you keep good relations with your kith and kin, speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, entertain your guests generously and assist those who are stricken with calamities.\u201d [Bukhari]<\/p>\n
\nDid you know your spouse was a separate person with a unique mind, heart, body and soul before they married you? And did you know that they still are that individual person, only with you by their side?
\nMarriages begin to go headlong into constant unhappiness when one or both spouses forget this fundamental fact:marriage makes people partners, not parts of each other that must be controlled and bossed over. As unfortunate as the truth may be, your spouse has a lot more roles to play in life than just being your spouse; and whenever you restrict them from doing justice to all their roles, you\u2019re going to be the cause of their constant frustration, which will only spill into your own marital relationship.
\nAllah has created each of us to contribute in so many ways during our life on this earth and has blessed us with the potential to be all that He wants us to be. Be that amazing person who motivates, encourages and helps your spouse discover and use their God-given potential and traits to bloom and be a source of joy and mercy to the world. Don\u2019t stop your spouse from being kind and loving to their parents, don\u2019t stop them from being helpful towards their colleagues and relatives, don\u2019t make them cut ties that you know they should keep, don\u2019t compel them to bottle up their talents when you know their skills can be used in a halal way to bring about a lot of good, don\u2019t control their every relationship and acquaintance with other people like an air-traffic controller, don\u2019t bark orders and rules and taunts at them at every opportunity: don\u2019t make your spouse wither into a dull, lifeless, thorny, poisonous weed; because that is not what Allah created them to be \u2013 that\u2019s what control freaks make out of the people they live with.
\nHappy Muslim couples are partners in growth and productivity: They acknowledge that their spouse is a slave of Allahalone and marriage does not change that. They acknowledge their spouse\u2019s other roles and responsibilities and encourage them to do justice to all of them. They recognize each other\u2019s unique traits and talents and catalyze their spouse\u2019s growth and worth as an individual.<\/p>\n
\nSorry, there\u2019s just no excuse not to give at least half an hour (okay, 15 minutes when you\u2019re just too exhausted) of undivided attention and love to your spouse. Because the truth is, you\u2019re not married just to slog all day to get money home, or to produce kids and take care of them 24\/7. Before you know it, your bosses and jobs will change and you\u2019ll be retiring and replaced, and the kids would\u2019ve married and moved out. And the only person you will be left with is that spouse (read: stranger) you always put second to everything, who would\u2019ve become too used to being neglected over the past 30 years to be that warm companion you\u2019ll desperately be needing in your old age.
\nYour relationship needs exclusive attention every single day. Just like you\u2019re saving everyday to build that comfortable house for the future. What\u2019s the fun if you\u2019re going to end up alone in that house, sleeping next to someone you don\u2019t even recognize anymore? Instead, imagine this: you\u2019re (finally!) going to be alone in that house with the person who\u2019s listened to your worries and stories every night, who you\u2019ve taken walks with everyday, who\u2019s been there to lean on when you\u2019ve been weak, who you\u2019ve celebrated all your achievements and successes with: someone who\u2019s been a friend indeed, every single day. Now is it really that hard to give half an hour of your time everyday to the person who deserves it most?<\/p>\n
\nEgo
\nHere\u2019s what the growth curve of a Muslim couple that\u2019s learnt to manage marital conflict looks like:
\n\u2022 1st year of marriage: blame all conflicts on spouse
\n\u2022 2nd year of marriage: blame all conflicts on spouse, shaytan, evil eye and magic (seriously)
\n\u2022 3rd year of marriage: blame spouse for \u2018causing\u2019 conflict and take nominal blame for reacting absurdly
\n\u2022 4th year of marriage: make sure spouse takes at least half the blame for conflicts
\n\u2022 5th year of marriage: agree that your spouse has been right all along and there\u2019s something you need to change about yourself
\nIf you ask every happily married couple that\u2019s successfully made it past the first five years, they\u2019ll tell you there\u2019s no bigger enemy to marital happiness than: ego.
\nEgo is the defense mechanism of the lower self, and ego in marriage sounds like:
\n\u201cThis is who I am and you better get used to it\u201d
\n\u201cI wouldn\u2019t have said\/done that if you didn\u2019t say\/do what you did\u201d
\n\u201cIt\u2019s all because of you\u201d
\n\u201cDoes it look like I care anyway?\u201d
\nAnd ego sounds very, very familiar.
\nThis is because the lower self is a covert enemy lurking within each and every one of us. Allah records Yusuf\u2019sobservation of the lower human self in the Qur\u2019an:
\n\u201c\u2026 Verily, the (human) self is inclined to evil, except when my Lord bestows His Mercy (upon whom He wills). Verily, my Lord is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.\u201d [Qur\u2019an: Chapter 12, Verse 53]
\nThis doesn\u2019t mean we are all inherently bad, but that we all have lower selves that are inclined to be oppressive, unruly and unjust; and it is only Allah\u2019s mercy that can make us rise above our destructive, narcissistic lower selves.
\nWhy ego is the biggest threat to a marriage is because it is an enemy from within. Ego is like a deceptive double agent that distorts reality and makes us deny and justify the wrongs that our lower selves commit towards our spouses, convincing us that we are right; while we are oppressing our own selves and our spouses and actually walking a path of humiliating self-destruction.
\nThe Prophet said:
\n\u201cA believer is the mirror of his brother. When he sees a fault in it, he should correct it.\u201d [Al Adab Al Mufrad]
\nThere\u2019s no one who mirrors our souls to us more accurately than our spouse, because no other human being gets to see us as intimately and habitually as they do. As a natural consequence, spouses stand the highest chance of facing our ego: the defensive wrath of our lower selves. But allowing your lower self to prevail in your marriage instead of seeing your marriage as a means to purify yourself is your own (disastrous) choice. Allah says in Surat Ash-Shams:
\n\u201cAnd [by] the soul (self) and He who proportioned it. And inspired it [with discernment of] its wickedness and its righteousness. He has succeeded who purifies it, and he has failed who instills it [with corruption].\u201d[Qur\u2019an: Chapter 91, Verse 7-10]
\nOur spouses actually personify the mercy of Allah when they mirror our flaws to us so we can rise above our lower selves. They make us discern our innermost weaknesses that we could not have seen for ourselves, and Allah has blessed us with them for our own spiritual purification and salvation.
\nThe next time your spouse is desperately trying to get something about yourself across to you:
\n1. Just listen. Listen carefully and objectively, especially if they have been repeating it for a very long time.
\n2. Control the urge to defend yourself: look for the truth in your spouse\u2019s words first.
\n3. Ask yourself: \u201cHas anyone pointed this out about me before?\u201d The answer could very likely be a yes, and if it is, then you\u2019re definitely looking at a flaw that Allah wants you to work on and get rid of.
\n4. Realize how merciful Allah is being to you through your spouse. Thank Allah and your spouse sincerely for caring so much about your success in the hereafter and making you a better person.
\nTry this 4-step exercise the next time you face conflict in your marriage. I promise you\u2019ll see marital conflict in a whole new light: your spouse will no longer be the enemy and you\u2019ll realize just what a big blessing they are for you!<\/p>\n
\nThe Prophet said:
\n\u201cThe evil eye is real.\u201d [Ibn Majah]
\nI am always in awe of the power of this extremely concise hadith, because it delivers three vital messages about the evil eye in one 5-word sentence:
\n\u2022 the harm of the evil eye is very, very real (in case you were even thinking otherwise)
\n\u2022 do not put yourself in its way; and
\n\u2022 take measures to protect yourself from it
\nIf you agree with point one, the second and third points just follow naturally. Muslim couples today are actually serving their marriages on exquisitely decorated social media platters for the evil eye to devour: not just the ceremony, but every single verbal and non-verbal marital exchange, meal, meeting, moment, mood and micro-second!
\nYou cannot be friends with 500+ people on social media, half of whom may be trying hard to get married for a long time and keep shoving your marital happiness in their face. Not only is it unnecessary, it is highly insensitive.
\nHappy Muslim couples do share their marital happiness, but sensibly. Before sharing anything about your marital life with the public, ask yourself:
\n\u2022 Is it necessary to share it with all the people I\u2019m about to disclose it to?
\n\u2022 Will it make any of them long to be in my position?
\n\u2022 Is it better off being private?
\nNot putting your marriage in the way of the evil eye is the first way of protecting it from its harm. Reading the morning and evening adhkar, the duas prescribed for protection against the evil eye as well as constantly thanking Allah for your marriage and your spouse fortifies this protection immensely.<\/p>\n
\nRemember all that incomprehensible pre-wedding drama between your spouse\u2019s family and yours, or those regular ridiculous flare-ups that you realize made absolutely no sense after you and your spouse cooled down (e.g.: when \u201cwhy did you turn off the light when you know I was reading?\u201d ends in \u201cmarrying you was the biggest mistake of my life!\u201d \u2013 W.H.A.T?!): yes, all those absurd, bizarre arguments that sprang out of nothing and all the other senseless discord in your marriage are the best compliments of shaytan.
\nThe Prophet said:
\n\u201cIblis (shaytan) places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: I did so and so. And he says: You have done nothing. Then one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. The Satan goes near him and says: \u2018You have done well and then embraces him.\u201d [Muslim]
\nShaytan doesn\u2019t have any principles when he seeks to create marital discord: in fact, the rule is that he attacks from where you least expect it. Like through your normally loving, religious and sensible parent\/sibling\/well-wisher who begins to magnify some irrelevant flaw in your spouse that was somehow never an issue before you tied the knot. Shaytan perpetuates his whispers through their tongues, and you unwittingly believe them because they are your loved ones. And thus begins insane marital strife.
\nHere\u2019s how to protect your marriage from the shaytan:
\n\u2022 Read the mu\u2019awwadhatayn (Surat Al-Falaq and Surat An-Nas) and morning and evening adhkar daily.
\n\u2022 If your spouse is behaving in a way or saying things they normally don\u2019t, politely say: \u201choney, let\u2019s not let the shaytan get to us.\u201d This is a tried and tested way to defuse a senseless argument before it starts.
\n\u2022 If you find yourself starting to get angry, seek refuge in Allah from the shaytan immediately.
\n\u2022 If you hear anything negative about your spouse from anyone, examine the words for signs of shaytan\u2019s whispers and traps. If there\u2019s anything that may cause you to have even the slightest ill-feeling or resentment towards your spouse, consciously recall all the good in your spouse and compare it to what\u2019s being said about them: you\u2019ll see the false\/irrelevant claims quickly dissipating.<\/p>\n
\nYou know those times when your spouse is just not being their normal self or getting ticked off by every little thing? Or when you do something special and they didn\u2019t even seem to notice? If you look a little deeper, you\u2019ll find there\u2019s definitely something that\u2019s bothering them (and it is not you). No matter how annoyingly they may be behaving, try to find out what\u2019s wrong; try to sense their stress. They\u2019ll most likely be having a problem at work, be down with an illness or close to that time of the month, or the kids would\u2019ve done a fantastic job at driving them mad all day. Shaytan waits to use these moments of stress to spark an argument, because the spouse under stress doesn\u2019t have the energy to fight him when their mind is exhausted by other troubles. He waits for the calmer spouse to eventually get annoyed, pick up the bait and say \u201cwhat\u2019s gotten into you?\u201d and BAM! If you focus on putting your finger on what\u2019s bothering your spouse and offering them support instead of getting worked up yourself, you immediately kill one more chance for shaytan to get to your marriage. Happy Muslim couples empathize with one another. Once you\u2019ve figured out what\u2019s bothering your spouse, give them the space, comfort or help they need to de-stress. Ask them if they\u2019d like to take a nap, be alone for sometime, take a break from the kids, get some help with their work or spend some time with their friends or family, if it\u2019ll make them feel better. Agree with your spouse to do this whenever either of you is acting out till you learn to sense each other\u2019s stress just through your expressions, and your mutual intuition develops into a beautiful, unspoken language of care and understanding.<\/p>\n
\nThere isn\u2019t a single marriage where there isn\u2019t any conflict or disagreement of some sort or degree. It is only the way in which conflicts are managed that distinguishes the health of one marriage from the other.
\nOf all the ways to manage and minimize marital conflict, the most powerful way is remembering that Allah is watching our every single move and expression, and hearing our every single word. And it is all being recorded for a Day when He will be the Judge. Bringing this to mind during conflict helps us refrain from giving in to our lower selves and the whispers of Shaytan in the heat of the moment, and saves the marriage from a lot of irreversible, long-term damage.
\nThe Prophet said:
\n\u201cI guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right\u2026 \u201d [Abu Dawud]5
\nAnd when he was asked by Mu\u2019adh bin Jabal :
\n\u201cO Prophet of Allah, will we be brought to account for what we say?\u2019 He said: \u2018May your mother not find you, O Mu\u2019adh! Are people thrown onto their faces in Hell for anything other than the harvest of their tongues?\u2019\u201d [Ibn Majah]
\nThe truth is, hell begins on earth when the tongue isn\u2019t controlled during marital conflict. The humiliation and hurt inflicted by the tongue sows deep resentment and spite. That\u2019s why Allah says in the Qur\u2019an:
\n\u201cAnd tell My servants to say that which is best. Indeed, Satan induces [dissension] among them. Indeed Satan is ever, to mankind, a clear enemy.\u201d[Qur\u2019an: Chapter 17, Verse 53]
\nIf you disagree with your spouse over anything or are hurt by something they did or said, bring Allah\u2019s presence to mind first to help lower your anger and approach the issue calmly. Then put your concerns across as gently as possible because gentleness is far more likely to make your spouse see your point than lashing out at them. The Prophet said to Aisha :
\n\u201cAisha! show gentleness, for if gentleness is found in anything, it beautifies it and when it is taken out from anything it damages it.\u201d [Abu Dawud]<\/p>\n
\nI remember giving a talk on love and relationships to an audience of young girls when I\u2019d been married for just about two years. In my talk, I\u2019d mentioned the verse of the Qur\u2019an where Allah says:
\n\u201cWomen impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity\u2026\u201d [Qur\u2019an: Chapter 24, Verse 26]
\nIn the Q&A session, a girl from the audience asked: \u201cbut what about all those couples we see where one spouse is so good and the other is the complete opposite?\u201d
\nI\u2019d answered: \u201cThe verse is the general rule, but Allah may choose to test some of us through our spouses.\u201d
\nJust then, someone in the front row of the audience put up her hand and requested to speak. She was one of the other guest speakers, a renowned author and a woman full of wisdom, and someone who was married for many more years than me. She said:
\n\u201cWhat a person looks like to us is not necessarily what they are behind closed doors. So before judging whether a person is right or wrong for someone, remember that Allah chooses spouses for us not to test us but to help us purify and improve our own selves.\u201d
\nThree years from that talk and I still haven\u2019t come across a greater truth about marriage. Indeed, as Allah said, in this beautiful relationship are signs for those who give thought. Marital happiness is not an end but a state; a state that can easily be achieved by just seeing marriage for what it really is: a means of attaining physical, emotional and spiritual tranquility through the loving and merciful companionship of a spouse.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"